Hi

I still remember you. How can I not? You were my first love.

Remember the times when blogging meant you you tell the whole world (or rather your friends who religiously visit your blog on a daily basis) what you did for the whole day?! Or what you did for the past few days. The stupid funny shits that happened between you and your friends, plus random pixelated photos/mirror selfies.

Annoying but fun-to-do "tag your friends" quizzes.
Chatbox by your blog.
Talking to your friends on your post like it's your chatbox.
Leaving secret messages (on a public platform LOL).
Posting one whole song's lyrics as a blog post and writing a personal emo/happy message at the end.

Oh my god, those were the days. Now blogging has died off. Wonder what will happen if people started blogging like that again.

What IF I started blogging like that again??

2016-2017

For the most part of my teen-early adult life I have been giving. Giving of my time, my resources, my help, my emotions to others. Serving, or just being there for them. Almost always staying strong, being myself, optimistic, cheerful, playful despite some of the things I may go through. I'm pretty happy-go-lucky, I'm not petty about things, I don't bear grudges easily. I forgive and forget easily, I try to be the most understanding. I'm a conflict-avoider (unless I've been wronged) so I'd rather bear the brunt an emotional outpour than to point out faults in thought-flow in said outpour. (because well, most people don't say the best things when they are emotional right?)

But.

It sucks that sometimes people forget that you're just human, you're just a girl, you're just someone with feelings. It sucks that sometimes people just assume that you can tank it all and don't bother to be sensitive. It sucks that sometimes people can just leave you like you don't mean anything.

Once in awhile though it gets too tough and I stop. I stop trying. I stop being. And I give myself some space and time to rest, recover and get back up again.

Sometimes I forget that I have amazing people around me who would give, invest and just be there for me. A kind word, a squeeze of my hand, a request for a hug, giving of a hug, a look, a smile, a conversation, a text, an invite to hang out, a joke, a gift, a treat, a card, a car ride, a yes. It's times like this that I really feel like I haven't been living for nothing; that all those years of me being me has actually impacted others. I am thankful for these people. 2016/17 has been the year that I've said the most thanks to God for the friends that I have.

2016 transiting into 2017 hasn't been the best. The first half of 2016 was so so good. I guess God is kind of fair then - half good, half not so good. I did learn a lot though, despite the latter half being a shitty half for me. I learnt that being wise is always better than following your emotions. I learnt not to settle for anything less than what I deserve. I learnt that it isn't that bad to fail and get back up again. I learnt to put down my pride and build relationships. I learnt to love.

Thank you friends and family that has been with me this past few months. Sometimes, your presence is more than enough. Thank you God for teaching me and bringing me through.

Here's to another year of learning and growing, to be humble, to continue to love, to be courageous, to be wise, to be gracious, to be generous, to be prayerful and to honour.

And I've come full circle in a matter of a few months.

I'm sorry parents, I'm sorry friends. I'll get my act together again.

In life there are some things that you should hold onto and never let go. 

 

Then there are some things that you shouldn't have allowed into your life in the first place, so you cut it off. 

Finally, there are some things that you held onto but should have let it go a long time ago. 

I've finally let it go. A revelation just came to me out of the blue and I saw it as clear as day. There was no point in investing so much thought and time when I wasn't going anywhere. 

In time, you may revisit my life again or you may not. 

But for now, goodbye..

I walk into acceptance 

So tired guiz
y am i always so affected by my fam?

Also thinking about so many shits in my life. 

Relationships - should I move on?

Responsibilities - am I taking on too much?

Expectations - said and unsaid 

Wants vs Needs - I'd rather eat home than eat out

What do I want in life - LIFE'S BIGGEST QN 

I wanna go Aus and work in a cafe... Bye world 

Insomnia

I was worrying about money and my future (just like the past few weeks' nights) and then I suddenly had a thought that made me feel slightly better. 

I (as a female) am able to just marry off to a rich husband and not have to worry (much) about financials. But men on the other hand, the onus is on them to bring home the butter. Not that women cannot be the main provider but it's rather instilled in men and much of their pride causes them to think so. 

Riding on last week's midnight muse... Marry rich man SUA 😒 

Fell sick out of nowhere and had to cancel 2 tuitions - one of which decided to change tutor. That's $100 income for my week gone :'( THEN I had to miss lifegroup. Was contemplating to go but then the last time I had fever and went for LG, my fever went sky high lol.

Feeling so ugh cause this week I'm much more free (because Thurs tuition was cancelled and only working at Ciel on Friday&Sunday) and I wanted to start doing my own work, run some errands... BUT NO, MY BODY HAD TO GIVE UP ON ME. Literally just did nothing the whole day except sleep and lie on my bed feeling like a useless piece of poop.

And then I had no appetite for the whole day.. Had my lunch as dinner and right now I AM SUDDENLY SO HUNGRY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY OMG.

so. done.

Deep

Have you ever read a really good book that you cannot put down then it goes from really happy to raw pain and it feels so real to you. You hesitate to continue the book but you do it anyway, despite the pain you feel for the characters in the book. 

I think life is like that. You continue on, despite. Because there is always hope for something better. 

I wrote this on July 9th 2015, on my other blog. Damn

Am I the only confused one?

My dad is so confusing.

I've been pretty hurt from his words & tone recently and I've been trying hard to understand things from his pov but I'm still confused.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We just had dinner, and over dinner my dad and mum was talking about the "itinerary" for my brother's graduation that will take place tomorrow. He did not know what the plan was and started to raise his voice and use an accusatory tone on my mother, 'Why you never ask him? Go and ask him so that I know'. In which I, being the mediator and big-mouth of the family, asked my dad why he had to speak in such a way, couldn't he have put it in a nicer way? I also told him that we all don't really know what's going to happen tomorrow so just text Ning.

I can't really remember what else was said except:
1) he isn't keen to go
2) "Poly is only A level like that what, also no need to go"

??!!?!?!?

Afterwards I think I wasn't being the most tactful but I went on to tell him that that's ridiculous and it's about being involved in every step of the way rather than just the end point.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I heard from my mum that my dad wasn't there when I was born, or at least for me and kor. My parents weren't there when I was secondary 1 and I achieved a Best Recruit award from The Girls' Brigade (my CCA) Recruitment Training Camp. He probably doesn't know that I got voted as the prom queen during sec 4's graduation dinner. He wasn't there when I had my 21st birthday celebration.

I'm not saying my dad's all nasty, he is smart, he is hardworking, he brings home the bread and butter, he pays for my education, my needs and sometimes my wants, he brings my family to holidays. I don't rat on him, I appreciate being debt free, being able to lead a comfortable life, not having to worry about what to eat, drink or wear.

I just wished he would stop working so hard, and just be there for us more. Will he find his life meaningful? When all he remembers of his life is work, play, TV time and then the last tiny bit - spending time with people who genuinely care for him.



What is his love language? Does he love us? Are we an obligation? Why have children?
I don't get it...

#confused

Mornings be like 12.30pm

Reality is this: when you want to continue your Korean language class and go for a TOPIK cert but your father refuses to sponsor you and since you're a independent "grown", 90%-graduating woman, you suck it up and ACCEPT it as it is.

sigh. Basically also meaning welcome to Adulthood! Responsibilities, hellooooo! (well at least I'm debt-free HA!)

But I couldn't help but whine about it to my mum LOL. I mean that's what mums are for right???? So I guess money does make the world go round... Before I can do anything I need to find a PT job, so that I can finance my next 6-8months :<

I...regrettably rejected the Korean cafe job because they wanted to post me to West Coast Plaza's outlet (and it's not even working in a cafe but their taekwondo school).. Being a total cheapo and lazy pig, I thought it was too far (transport is expensive, changing 2 trains and a bus?!) and inaccessible. I KNOW, I know. Ain't nobody go time to be choosy. Broke girls can't be choosy. blah

So right now, I have 2 choices remaining:
1) Intensive and smart googling to find PT job-of-interests in the West area
2) Go back to Paris Baguette and be a PT crew in that horrid uniform

I have decided to go with number one for another week or two first because I hate wearing the cap that is required when I was working in PB.

:)

Jesus take the wheeeel~~~

Feels

So... this friday will be the "last" Exam of my life; more specifically my University life. How do I feel about it?

Generally more happy than "oh no it's the end of my school life". I'm sure in the near future when I start working FT, I will surely miss the days when I can at least sleep in 2 out of 3 weekdays because I do not have classes on those days. But really, that's about the only thing I will miss about Uni life LOL. I mean I appreciate being a student and being able to study and all but I hate having to cramp theories and information in my head within a week or two, then spilling it all out, only to forget what I memorised in that same day. I also appreciate the handful of friends that I've made in Uni – they sure made me look forward to going to school.

Other than that, I didn't like Uni life/SMU(not sure if one equates to the other). Too competitive, at times made me feel my grades = my worth, not a fun environment if you didn't subscribe to Their definition of "fun" and made me feel stupid.

However, I've actually learnt certain useful skills/knowledge/some wisdom along the way (which I will blog about on a later date when I have more time to reflect on a deeper level)!

Anyway looking forward... I CAN'T WAIT.

I CAN'T WAIT TO...
-get my TOPIK Korean Language cert
-go for coffee brewing/making course
-employ one of the many benefits of the WWW and teach myself how to code
-T R A V E L
-go for 2 week bible study course
-work PT and use that $ wisely on all of the above (and also save some)

and of course come to a decision on whether I'd like to go into the hospitality industry by the end of this year.

TLDR; Yes I have plans. No I have not found a FT job. Yes I think I deserve a short (like 1/80th of my lifetime short) break.

Ps. I have Internation Econs Exam on friday and please pray that I do not fail, I am so absolutely lost (what in the world is uncovered interest parity?!?!)

My parents sure know how to discourage me and make me feel like a pile of turd. Best thing - they don't know how good they are at it 😀😀😀👍🏻

You will never know that sometimes I take a second look at people because I notice the jaw line, the nose, the tan, the cockiness, they resemble you. And then I wonder, is that how you would look like when you grow out of your awkwardness? 

One thing this has taught me though is that everything's gonna be alright. Ironic but - I've gone through one of the worst. Exams? People? Situations? Circumstances? They may seem daunting but you taught me to see it from another perspective.

I miss you. 

Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France

Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance

Let's get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants

From way up there, you and I, you and I

22

Looking back I finally understand why. I understood why I had to go through that. I remembered just feeling so frustrated then and kept questioning, why is something so simple, made to be so complicated? Why can't others stop overanalysing my actions?

But now I do.

And it wasn't easy back then, it isn't easy knowing this now. But I'm thankful for at least I know that God is in this. And by taking away options, isn't He also trying to narrow the multiple directions I can take and slowly pointing out a way for me?

Slightly disappointed, but eyes are wide opened and I see it clear as day.

//

Yesterday was my birthday.

I turned 22! Like finally. I love december, I love being a december baby. When my birthday was here...I felt indifferent. Didn't feel like it was my birthday, nor anything special was going to happen. But boy was I wrong!!!

I enjoyed my day so much! If I had more energy I would've prolonged the day with a supper with another group of friends too :p

So anyway, went to lunch at Bornja @ vivo with PF. JOLYN DROVE US THERE!!! After so many years of driving them/people around I was driven around :') (although it was quite an experience when Jolyn is in carparks hahahhahaa)

Our reservation was supposed to be at 12.30pm but in the end we were so late we had to push it back to 1.30pm hahaha. The rain, the traffic, the picking each of us up... IT WAS SUCH AN EPIC RIDE THERE! We were singing our lungs out in the car, and being a nuisance to each other.

At Bornja, we ate bbq meat, galbitang, gyeranjim! It was a really good meal and guess what! PF PAID FOR MY MEAL x3

We then went to sing K at clementi, this time i was doing the driving :p WE HAD SO MUCH FUN SINGING FOR 3HOURS LOL. it was cray cray. can't wait for our grad trip it's gonna be so epic!!

After that, I joined my parents at Spruce for dinner. Can I just say that that place is overly expensive??? And the guy singing live wasn't as good as the one that was at the restaurant bar at Rochester! Anyways, shared salad, starters, mains and a glass of white with the fam. After dinner, Ning suddenly stood up and said he needed to go to the toilet. (which was kinda weird cause he almost never ever pees) And while he was gone, my mum was like joking at me and telling me that we should get that singer to sing me a birthday song. And I was like what?! noooooo. 

Moments later  this happened...
Singer guy: Is there a Siwei here?? blablabla birthday song request... blabla Siwei??
Me: *looks at singer* (did he just call my name)
Me: *looks at my mum* omg you ask them ah? *uttely confused*

Suddenly out of nowhere the whole lot of PF +Jason appeared with a damn hugeass cake for me!!!! I GOT THE SHOCK OF MY LIFE. I THOUGHT THEY WENT HOME TO EAT. WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?! So yes, my second birthday surprise in my whole short 22 years of my life, goes to my dearest PF!!!! (first was my 21st when Outlive sang for me :p)

I love it when people do something special for me on my birthday :) It's the one day in a year I get to be special :)))

A short letter to nobody in particular

Dear Friends and Family,

I am moody. No, it is not your fault. No, it is not entirely my fault either. It's like how the sun rises and sets, and how Earth will spin on its axis.

Talk to me in another 5 days, maybe.


Best Regards,
Pmsy girl.

P/s: I would tell you about the story of how I almost tried to right hook my (insert adjective here) Male group mate with my laptop, but it would take too long.

Disappointments

I've been facing disappointments and discouragements lately. Self-inflicted, others-inflicted.

I guess indeed it is hard to avoid discouragements. The only possible way would be to tune out others as well as yourself (doing this is dangerous). But there is a need to listen to people, especially those who can encourage you, bring you up and give sound advice.

Discern; just because someone is your friend or someone is a nice person means that he or she is able to help you with what you are facing. Of course it's not about listening to all flowers and cupcakes from others but even when correcting someone there are different ways you can do it. There's no point in saying negative things if you are not able to translate it to an advice.

But more than anything I am thankful that I have that one voice that I know I can always turn to that I can always heed and know that All IS WELL.


A work in progress.

whta si lfei

Exchange has been long over and I miss Korea less and less (not because it wasn't any bit of awesome that it actually is) because this is the reality now and I shouldn't long for something which I know I can't get (for now) anyway. Also, school work and responsibilities; friends and families, they are grounding me more than ever.

It's week 6 of school (wait what?!) this coming week and I've been trying to be productive and putting in effort in my work. Cause I'm no longer on exchange and I can no longer score a A/B+ with my 1 day, 1 (wo)man work. I still feel SO lazy all the time and all I want to do is to eat sleep and exercise. (and earn easy money AKA PT tuition/earn money doing what I like AKA grabcar)

As my graduation day creeps in closer and closer, I can't help but feel pressured by who knows what, societal expectations and norms maybe? to know what I want to do/who to work for/plans for near future. I always give the same answer 'Somewhere in the hotel and tourism industry' but honestly what I really know for now is that I'm going to go travel and go for my grad trip with my friends. To do that, I have to save up (because unless you're filthy rich, money doesn't exactly just appear in your bank account), and to save up I obviously have to work so all I'm thinking about nowadays is 'should i get more tuition kids?', 'i can't wait for next sem maybe i will rent a car and do grabcar too'.

Then there's another part of me that is plotting some post-graduate study plans so that I don't have to enter the work force cause it is scary as hell. I'm jus afraid that once I step in, I'm never ever gonna get another break, never gonna get out. 40 years of your life working away.... that sucks :( unless of course you find something you are passionate about!

The last thing that I'm slightly freaking out about is that I still have 60 outstanding hours of COMPULSORY CIP hours to CLEAR. LIKE HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DO THAT IN 1 AND A HALF SEM?!?!? MY friend and I have contacted Meals on Wheels programme dude but it has been 2 weeks and they have yet to contact us with our volunteer stuffs??? To top it off, my school likes to be anal and gives stupid requirements eg 'Only can apply up to 3 different organisations'. So now I can't just change to the other organisation that my friend and I were looking at too. PLUS they don't accept CIP records after you've done them. You need to receive approval from the school at least 1 month before the commencement of the CIP. sigh please pray for me T_T this is the most annoying thing at the back of my mind now......

It's so easy to say that I will pray and trust God but doing it is another matter altogether.
: (
Ps. my brother is such a moody broody ass, wish I was back in Korea!!! (so i can adopt some other nicer brother there)