I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Do you remember how awesome it was to be a kid? To be loved, to be carefree, to be innocent, to not be simple. Every thing was either a yes or a no - a happy or a sad, a like or a dislike. 

I miss my childhood. 

When i was a kid, my mum told me that i took an hour to finish a bowl of porridge while the rest took 15-30mins. Like how is that possible, right? I think i vaguely remember a moment when i was eating and every one else has finished... I was distracted by the TV okay. 

I miss my childhood.

I wished i could bring forth the forgotten memories of playing, the 5 of us. I don't remember much from the time i was born til i was 6. I look at pictures that we had and memories surface but then again are they? Or are they just a dream i had to make up for the lost period of time.

I miss my childhood.

The five of us were inseparable. We used to live in hub blocks opposite each other. Almost every evening we would go downstairs and play with each other. First, there was 2 bikes. We learnt to share, taking turns to have a ride.(Of course the 2 elder ones got to try everything first..) Then Ning had a kiddy car thingy. Then there was a scooter. Sometimes we played badminton.(we tried) Sometimes we went to the drain near the forest to catch fishes and tadpoles. Sometimes we hang out at home and watch power rangers. 

I miss my childhood.

My cousin and family then moved to Castle Green. It was a pity...yet not a pity. They brought Sweety home. We played "dooba dooba"(Sweety went crazy and chased us whenever we said that) with her all the time. Went on walks with the dog, cycling, roller blading.. Playing block catching with condo kids. Playing "poison river" at the playground. Having monthly bbqs. Playing blind mice in their room and climbing every. where. Weekly tennis sessions. Swimming. Getting money from our parents after dinner and buying snacks from the snack shop. Christmas parties, birthday gatherings. Being the coolest kids gang ever.

I miss my childhood.

Then we grew up. We still had fun, yes, but growing up means more responsibilities and less time for us to hang out. I realised this when Carol jie had to go NZ to study. It really sunk in when Sweetie died about 2-3 years after that. But we were still in our teens. We all went through our rebellious stage(kind of). Carol jie went emo-goth, Belle couldn't stop questioning about every single thing, Kor shut himself up and couldn't stop gaming, well Ning...ate.....a lot.. and for me, I uh..whined? Still, every year when we were at Penang with all them other relatives we were still the coolest kids around. We all went through our fair share of growing up. We were somehow there for each other, we didn't judge each other, and we went through it all.

I miss my childhood.

People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you'd never lose it. And this is so damn true. I never thought i'd lose someone...well i did think of it before.. you know just in case to get myself prepared but i always thought it would happen when i'm married, with kids and all. When i'm OLD. This wasn't suppose to happen. Not yet. But it did. And as much as i want to say, "Let's all start living like it's our last day, let's all live without regrets",  deep down i know that life is full of regrets. And this is one of it that i would have to live through it 'til the end of my life. But i know i am not alone. And after some time, i realised that it's not my fault too. I don't even know what i'm saying anymore. 

I miss my brother.

I'm sorry I couldn't get to you. It is weird, moving on without you. How am i suppose to grow old, when you don't? I couldn't envision a future because it's just weird without you. Part of my every single day for the 19 years of my life disappeared. Just like that. But i've learnt to let go. It's okay. It's not okay okay, but i'm okay. We're okay. I have to be strong 'cause i'm the oldest now. I'm the mediator and the glue. I've always been the mediator, eh? Anyways, Happy birthday Kor, i'm older than you now. 

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Our world today - devoid of love

Got this from my cousin's blog. (i wished i could write like that!)
I find this really true, most people don't even know what they're doing.
"I Love You" is used blatantly, such that those three words almost hold no meaning anymore.
Today, people find love in relationships. Futile attempts. Try again.

You guys out there need to know that love is more than just BGR or whatever lovey dovey stuff.

"I'm skeptical about love now. The type of love as described in 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." It's rare, almost non-existent. We walk on the streets with our 'significant other', holding hands, doing the usual things that couples do, hugging, giving pecks on the cheek. We tell the other "I'll always be here for you", but in the end, we leave. To be honest, we haven't got a clue what love is. What we know about love comes from movies, love songs, the usual cliches.. We assume that love knows no boundaries, that it triumphs all, that as long as it's in your heart, all else does not matter, but in actual fact, love has lost its standing to greed, selfishness, materialism, self-indulgence and pride...

Love has become a thing of convenience, whether we can afford the time for it, whether it will be beneficial or not. We think of it as almost like a business investment, what are the stakes and sacrifices we'd have to make to get a certain return. Someone once said "The ending “Happily ever after,” now has several suffixes such as: “They lived happily ever after, until he ran out of money,”, “They lived happily ever after, until he found a mistress.”Depressing isn't it? Unfortunately, that's the sad reality. The whole idea of altruistic love no longer has a place in our society. There is so much else tolive for, too much more to strive for; a good reputation, social status, the perfect job, the biggest house, the newest car, the latest technology, fashionable clothes and the list goes on...

At the end of the day, it's "Me" that matters. I come first. Before and above anyone else. There's just not enough room for another person. You might love and care for someone else, to a great extent even, but it will not be the way you love yourself.

Perhaps you'll tell me that I'm wrong. That the love you have or experienced was not self-seeking, that it was the magnanimous, the self-sacrificing kind... You might be the exception. However, I think that it's highly likely you're delusional."

Selfless love does exist, but really, it's uncommon.

"Love has become a thing of convenience"