I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Do you remember how awesome it was to be a kid? To be loved, to be carefree, to be innocent, to not be simple. Every thing was either a yes or a no - a happy or a sad, a like or a dislike. 

I miss my childhood. 

When i was a kid, my mum told me that i took an hour to finish a bowl of porridge while the rest took 15-30mins. Like how is that possible, right? I think i vaguely remember a moment when i was eating and every one else has finished... I was distracted by the TV okay. 

I miss my childhood.

I wished i could bring forth the forgotten memories of playing, the 5 of us. I don't remember much from the time i was born til i was 6. I look at pictures that we had and memories surface but then again are they? Or are they just a dream i had to make up for the lost period of time.

I miss my childhood.

The five of us were inseparable. We used to live in hub blocks opposite each other. Almost every evening we would go downstairs and play with each other. First, there was 2 bikes. We learnt to share, taking turns to have a ride.(Of course the 2 elder ones got to try everything first..) Then Ning had a kiddy car thingy. Then there was a scooter. Sometimes we played badminton.(we tried) Sometimes we went to the drain near the forest to catch fishes and tadpoles. Sometimes we hang out at home and watch power rangers. 

I miss my childhood.

My cousin and family then moved to Castle Green. It was a pity...yet not a pity. They brought Sweety home. We played "dooba dooba"(Sweety went crazy and chased us whenever we said that) with her all the time. Went on walks with the dog, cycling, roller blading.. Playing block catching with condo kids. Playing "poison river" at the playground. Having monthly bbqs. Playing blind mice in their room and climbing every. where. Weekly tennis sessions. Swimming. Getting money from our parents after dinner and buying snacks from the snack shop. Christmas parties, birthday gatherings. Being the coolest kids gang ever.

I miss my childhood.

Then we grew up. We still had fun, yes, but growing up means more responsibilities and less time for us to hang out. I realised this when Carol jie had to go NZ to study. It really sunk in when Sweetie died about 2-3 years after that. But we were still in our teens. We all went through our rebellious stage(kind of). Carol jie went emo-goth, Belle couldn't stop questioning about every single thing, Kor shut himself up and couldn't stop gaming, well Ning...ate.....a lot.. and for me, I uh..whined? Still, every year when we were at Penang with all them other relatives we were still the coolest kids around. We all went through our fair share of growing up. We were somehow there for each other, we didn't judge each other, and we went through it all.

I miss my childhood.

People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you'd never lose it. And this is so damn true. I never thought i'd lose someone...well i did think of it before.. you know just in case to get myself prepared but i always thought it would happen when i'm married, with kids and all. When i'm OLD. This wasn't suppose to happen. Not yet. But it did. And as much as i want to say, "Let's all start living like it's our last day, let's all live without regrets",  deep down i know that life is full of regrets. And this is one of it that i would have to live through it 'til the end of my life. But i know i am not alone. And after some time, i realised that it's not my fault too. I don't even know what i'm saying anymore. 

I miss my brother.

I'm sorry I couldn't get to you. It is weird, moving on without you. How am i suppose to grow old, when you don't? I couldn't envision a future because it's just weird without you. Part of my every single day for the 19 years of my life disappeared. Just like that. But i've learnt to let go. It's okay. It's not okay okay, but i'm okay. We're okay. I have to be strong 'cause i'm the oldest now. I'm the mediator and the glue. I've always been the mediator, eh? Anyways, Happy birthday Kor, i'm older than you now. 

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye