ohhhmmmmmm MY ASS

Guys you won't believe this but...

I CLEANED MY ROOM! well some of it.


In other more important news... I am so drained out by all these administrative things that are not going my way. I cannot do these admin stuff my brain isn't made for things like this... When I've finally had the free day to start confirming my courses at Hanyang OF COURSE the system had to NOT let me log in AT ALL. It's not like I didn't get my ID and password but IT DOESNT WORK.


I'm sorry everyone if I've been unusally touchy and annoyed about every little thing but this exchange is starting to unnerve me in ways I never thought possible GAH

Does not help when I've got so little time left to do what seems like quite a lot for me. Time to go into my zen bubble and calm down before my MacBook keyboard keys start popping out with the force of which I'm practically slamming into these puny keys.

Is it better to have loved?

Or to have loved and lost? 

If I had a month left to live what would I do? Well I do have a month left...before I fly off 4669km away. Hopefully nothing happens to me and I fly back safely home. 

I guess in a way my parents get annoyed at me for not doing little things here and there but they just don't seem as important to me. One very apt example is the state of my room :o I don't usually clear up my room really well. There's just always something more important to do. And the way I handle deadlines is different. If something is not due soon, it's "not so important" and vice versa. My mum on the other hand wants me to do this and that because I see it now/we're talking about it now/the issue has surfaced. 

So on this note, if I had a month left...I wonder what I'd be doing different?

One thing I know for sure is I'll force myself to wake up early everyday so that I have more time. (I have serious problems waking up early) Another thing is that I wouldn't hesitate to tell people how much I love them and how much they mean to me - the 100% truth. 

Now surely I will live as much as possible and not want to have regrets?(then again not knowing the full outcome of our actions brings about a certain odd that we will regret) And if every single person would want to live their lives without regrets, knowing life's fragility, I'm damn sure they'd be doing different things...things that may even scare them if it were just a normal day. 

I want to pause, to slow down, absorb and take it all in. I want to balance this me into the normal life me. Then maybe I'd stop feeling conflicted at times. 

Once in a while it's hard.

It's hard not to compare. It's hard not to doubt. It's hard not to be discouraged by words. It's hard not to doubt and be discouraged by my circumstances. It's hard not to focus on my "I can'ts".

I've been trying to supress it and not think too much. But that's not enough.  Last night, I got reminded to lift it up. To surrender, to not think about all these but think about what He says and what He thinks.

Today, I got reminded again.

The future may seem uncertain but it will not bring me down.

D-43

Have been pretty busy lately with brigade, meeting up friends...and of course preparing for my Korea trip!!! Last week was pretty crazy considering that i just came back from my holiday haha... had to switch from lepak mode to up-and-going mode in a few days. Can't believe it's only been a week plus since i came back from Kani?? It seriously feels like ages :o how is that even possible... #bringmeback Singapore keeps on raining. It's pretty awesome if i'm at home but when i'm outside my shoe'll get wet!

So far...
-i haven't found an apartment in Korea
-i haven't done my oath
-so i can't do my passport
-which means i can't do my visa application
-i need to map more courses
-shopping for the stuffs that i need for Korea
-figuring out the stuffs i need for Korea...

and in the midst of it all, meeting up with my friends and saying my goodbyes :>

Still preparing myself. Excited yet nervous. 4 months seem so short yet long. Will i be too home-sick? Will i be too friends-sick? Will i be able to kope with the environment there? Will i make friends? Will i be able to adapt? Will a kpop star fall in love with me? LOL ok jk bye..

sian miss my brother. don't have anyone to ask stupid questions to anymore. well except for google.

sigh.

feeeeling soooo as;ldkfahsdg right now.

i dont know why i try so hard in this family. i feel like i cant anymore... i dont set expectations (verbally) for my parents. of course there's the min. expectation of paying for my school fee/daily meals/etc but i dont tell them like hey you've gotta be a better mum and cook my fav dishes at least 2x a week or hey you've gotta be a better dad and bring home $x or give me $x to spend with every year.

but every single time i dont understand why i wanna do certain things and i ask for their permission(as an act of respect, i will do it anyway) they overreact and then reject and then they list down their expectations

-why cant you study harder and get better grades (well because i cant study well im not smart in that way)

-why dont you listen to me (i do. just because its not this particular time it doesnt mean i dont listen to you at all)

AND the ultimatum that just wants me to give up on trying

-why you can do xxx and listen to xxx from the church but you cannot listen to me

basically comparing things w the church.

srsly.

SRSLY.

i dont ever EVER bring any of you down when we're in an argument but they always do that to me. it's like me trying for this fam, helping yall to get stuff, fetching ppl from here to there, giving advice about the younger bro, celebrating your birthdays year after year. idk just trying something...is all for nothing.

i've even stopped comparing myself w how yall treat ning (cause i guess im older i should be more responsible)

let me just say right now i can't. 

I miss ClubMed Kani.

forever having holiday withdrawals. i swear the sea water is so healthy for meeeee.

anyway i had an amazing time :) can't wait for korea in feb!!! might start blogging off the other blog about my korea stuffs... meanwhile back to private blogging 8-)