Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France

Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance

Let's get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants

From way up there, you and I, you and I

22

Looking back I finally understand why. I understood why I had to go through that. I remembered just feeling so frustrated then and kept questioning, why is something so simple, made to be so complicated? Why can't others stop overanalysing my actions?

But now I do.

And it wasn't easy back then, it isn't easy knowing this now. But I'm thankful for at least I know that God is in this. And by taking away options, isn't He also trying to narrow the multiple directions I can take and slowly pointing out a way for me?

Slightly disappointed, but eyes are wide opened and I see it clear as day.

//

Yesterday was my birthday.

I turned 22! Like finally. I love december, I love being a december baby. When my birthday was here...I felt indifferent. Didn't feel like it was my birthday, nor anything special was going to happen. But boy was I wrong!!!

I enjoyed my day so much! If I had more energy I would've prolonged the day with a supper with another group of friends too :p

So anyway, went to lunch at Bornja @ vivo with PF. JOLYN DROVE US THERE!!! After so many years of driving them/people around I was driven around :') (although it was quite an experience when Jolyn is in carparks hahahhahaa)

Our reservation was supposed to be at 12.30pm but in the end we were so late we had to push it back to 1.30pm hahaha. The rain, the traffic, the picking each of us up... IT WAS SUCH AN EPIC RIDE THERE! We were singing our lungs out in the car, and being a nuisance to each other.

At Bornja, we ate bbq meat, galbitang, gyeranjim! It was a really good meal and guess what! PF PAID FOR MY MEAL x3

We then went to sing K at clementi, this time i was doing the driving :p WE HAD SO MUCH FUN SINGING FOR 3HOURS LOL. it was cray cray. can't wait for our grad trip it's gonna be so epic!!

After that, I joined my parents at Spruce for dinner. Can I just say that that place is overly expensive??? And the guy singing live wasn't as good as the one that was at the restaurant bar at Rochester! Anyways, shared salad, starters, mains and a glass of white with the fam. After dinner, Ning suddenly stood up and said he needed to go to the toilet. (which was kinda weird cause he almost never ever pees) And while he was gone, my mum was like joking at me and telling me that we should get that singer to sing me a birthday song. And I was like what?! noooooo. 

Moments later  this happened...
Singer guy: Is there a Siwei here?? blablabla birthday song request... blabla Siwei??
Me: *looks at singer* (did he just call my name)
Me: *looks at my mum* omg you ask them ah? *uttely confused*

Suddenly out of nowhere the whole lot of PF +Jason appeared with a damn hugeass cake for me!!!! I GOT THE SHOCK OF MY LIFE. I THOUGHT THEY WENT HOME TO EAT. WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?! So yes, my second birthday surprise in my whole short 22 years of my life, goes to my dearest PF!!!! (first was my 21st when Outlive sang for me :p)

I love it when people do something special for me on my birthday :) It's the one day in a year I get to be special :)))

A short letter to nobody in particular

Dear Friends and Family,

I am moody. No, it is not your fault. No, it is not entirely my fault either. It's like how the sun rises and sets, and how Earth will spin on its axis.

Talk to me in another 5 days, maybe.


Best Regards,
Pmsy girl.

P/s: I would tell you about the story of how I almost tried to right hook my (insert adjective here) Male group mate with my laptop, but it would take too long.

Disappointments

I've been facing disappointments and discouragements lately. Self-inflicted, others-inflicted.

I guess indeed it is hard to avoid discouragements. The only possible way would be to tune out others as well as yourself (doing this is dangerous). But there is a need to listen to people, especially those who can encourage you, bring you up and give sound advice.

Discern; just because someone is your friend or someone is a nice person means that he or she is able to help you with what you are facing. Of course it's not about listening to all flowers and cupcakes from others but even when correcting someone there are different ways you can do it. There's no point in saying negative things if you are not able to translate it to an advice.

But more than anything I am thankful that I have that one voice that I know I can always turn to that I can always heed and know that All IS WELL.


A work in progress.

whta si lfei

Exchange has been long over and I miss Korea less and less (not because it wasn't any bit of awesome that it actually is) because this is the reality now and I shouldn't long for something which I know I can't get (for now) anyway. Also, school work and responsibilities; friends and families, they are grounding me more than ever.

It's week 6 of school (wait what?!) this coming week and I've been trying to be productive and putting in effort in my work. Cause I'm no longer on exchange and I can no longer score a A/B+ with my 1 day, 1 (wo)man work. I still feel SO lazy all the time and all I want to do is to eat sleep and exercise. (and earn easy money AKA PT tuition/earn money doing what I like AKA grabcar)

As my graduation day creeps in closer and closer, I can't help but feel pressured by who knows what, societal expectations and norms maybe? to know what I want to do/who to work for/plans for near future. I always give the same answer 'Somewhere in the hotel and tourism industry' but honestly what I really know for now is that I'm going to go travel and go for my grad trip with my friends. To do that, I have to save up (because unless you're filthy rich, money doesn't exactly just appear in your bank account), and to save up I obviously have to work so all I'm thinking about nowadays is 'should i get more tuition kids?', 'i can't wait for next sem maybe i will rent a car and do grabcar too'.

Then there's another part of me that is plotting some post-graduate study plans so that I don't have to enter the work force cause it is scary as hell. I'm jus afraid that once I step in, I'm never ever gonna get another break, never gonna get out. 40 years of your life working away.... that sucks :( unless of course you find something you are passionate about!

The last thing that I'm slightly freaking out about is that I still have 60 outstanding hours of COMPULSORY CIP hours to CLEAR. LIKE HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DO THAT IN 1 AND A HALF SEM?!?!? MY friend and I have contacted Meals on Wheels programme dude but it has been 2 weeks and they have yet to contact us with our volunteer stuffs??? To top it off, my school likes to be anal and gives stupid requirements eg 'Only can apply up to 3 different organisations'. So now I can't just change to the other organisation that my friend and I were looking at too. PLUS they don't accept CIP records after you've done them. You need to receive approval from the school at least 1 month before the commencement of the CIP. sigh please pray for me T_T this is the most annoying thing at the back of my mind now......

It's so easy to say that I will pray and trust God but doing it is another matter altogether.
: (
Ps. my brother is such a moody broody ass, wish I was back in Korea!!! (so i can adopt some other nicer brother there)

I'm still damn sad that my brother's not here. Some days it all just comes back and hit you like a firetruck.

At some point in life, we were all naive fools.

So apparently my friends here say I'm single because I have that "don't talk to me I'm better than you" look

T___T

but guys I'm like that misunderstood cat who just wants to be friends with everyone even though them claws come out to play~~~

#misunderstoodnaomithecat

Anyways, can't believe my summer is coming to an end. And like all things in my life, things starts happening and flooding me and overwhelming me again. Just as much as the start of this exchange, I will do what I did and trust that God will make a way. Up until now I still don't understand all the downs I've had throughout this exchange but I choose to trust and see it one day.

Conflicted.

Feeling low. Like one of the lowest low I've felt this year. Yeah, I'm on exchange how low can I feel, right? No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, I will ponder upon it (and probably forgot about this in a few days time).

On the other hand, I'm trying to cherish the last few days I have left here in Korea. Arranging meet ups, staying out late on weekends, saying 'yes' to a dart game, etc.

I've had a bad dream about going back to SG, and this time, I think there's a high chance one of my bad dreams might actually be real in the near future. And I don't really know what to feel about it.


On a side note, I spotted 3 Korean qts today and I shamelessly appreciated their unique attractive Korean features cuz y'know I won't be here long anyway. (1 of them really looked like hongki!!!)

I am speechless.

Your future is brighter than any expertly cut and polished diamond AND shinier than the baldest frequently-waxed head. It exceeds any range of measurement that any being tries to put you between.

Some people are so determined to crush you even after they have stepped on you.

Please don't ruin whatever good I have left of you.

The bill has been passed

It's not much of a surprise though, it was gonna happen sooner or later. I don't get what's the whole "OMG" reaction or some extreme negative reaction from the public. I mean, it's U.S., the country of free-will, rights and the sorts. If the majority of the Americans calls for it, the government won't be able to hold it off for long. (I guess due to the connotations involved with most gay couples..some would view the govt's approval of the bill as approval to the acts that are involved? It's bad for the govt cause they're supposed to take the moral high-ground.)

I get how as a Christian we might get upset at the fact that such a thing is happening. But how can you condemn the leaders who passed the bill when some of them may not even be Christians? How can you write a post and tell others that this is wrong when they may not be Christians and the things in the Bible will not make sense, will not apply to them? It is likened to the muslims being telling others that it is wrong to be eating non-halal food!

Weren't we told that sin is sin? No matter how big or small the sin? Yes, if our brother or sister fall into temptation and into sin, we should tell them what we see from the outside and they can decide for themselves whether they'd like to step out of sin or not.

Yes, we may feel that homosexuality is wrong but please do not go condemning the gay people. They do not deserve any hate because they are people. He is a person. She is a person. Do not tag them under homosexuality and categorise them as a topic that disgust you. They have feelings, they are just like you and me.

Pray for them, love them.
Hate the sin, love the sinner. (this is a very thin line)

Personally, I will never go homo or explore any part of that and I have a natural reaction to go yuck when I think about a guy-guy/girl-girl r/s (I'm not being judgemental I really have a natural reaction and get goose bumps and stuff). In the past, I didn't care for all this gay drama, I was all like ew no homo pls. But when you have a friend who is gay, that's when everything changes. You suddenly realise that this is someone I know and love and they are perfectly normal omg. And you get confused. Or maybe that's just me. I get confused all the time.

way back then

Hi guys,

I think reading my past blog posts are hilarious. The following is the first blogpost on my personal blog way back in beginning of 2009...


HELLO.

siwei here. like duh.



iambored.

thus, this has been created!
on 13th APRIL.
which is jolyn's birthday.



anyway,
there are TWO members in SFC! yay

I literally spam (enter). & I hardly remember stuff that actually happened back then omg! Also my style of writing is l-o-l worthy.

All you had to do was

Stay

Hey, all you had to do was stay

Had me in the palm of your hand

Then why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in

Stay, hey, now you say you want it

Back now that it's just too late

Well, it could've been easy

All you had to do was stay

T swifty took the words right outta my mouth

3 months and 2 weeks into my exchange and...I finally fell sick. During my Hell Week. My last week from school. One week before my Finals Week.

Of course this happens to me. I always fall sick and the worst possible times ever. At least I don't have a fever or a sick-til-im-crying-and-literally-cant-get-out-of-bed thing (yes I've had this before, like 3 or 4 times in my whole 21 years). So I hardly fall really sick, like fever and all. But I do get the occasional common cold and I used to have a bout of morning sinus before (miraculously recovered due to my mum feeding me ginseng powder every single morning).

I remember this time when I was in secondary 3 or 4 and I had a really bad fever/body ache thing. I fell sick on a Friday night, spent Saturday and Sunday recovering, wondering why the hell did I not fall sick on Sunday so I can skip school. I had the most perfect attendance from Primary School all the way up to Junior College life.

But anyway, the few times that I fell sick there's always this constant - my mother. I remember when there was this time I feel really, really bad. Like total shit, but I didn't tell my mum how bad it was on the first day. She got me medicine and stuff but the next day I was just in bed and I was just like ughhhhhh. Then she was asking me how was I and I told her I feel really bad and she told me to always tell her what I am feeling (like how bad it is) because she's not me and she cannot tell. Which is so true. Lol I had a little revelation and was like oh yeah, no wonder I feel like she didn't care that I was sick. Cause she didn't know I was really sick.

So here I am, blowing my nose off, not knowing if I should skip class tomorrow. Sitting in bed, waiting for my 4pm meeting (I had to meet them online instead), and trying not to freak out on the fact that I may not have the common cold. I dare not see a doctor (well I don't usually see a doctor when I get the common cold unless I feel worse than shit) because what if I get MERS from a freaking hospital/clinic. And on top of it all, I just want my mum.

sadfjhlasdhg;ask I feel so damn bloody emotional and I was reading this book about this couple being parents and watching their kids grow up and having to let them go and stuff and I feel like a shitty daughter not feeling enough of what my parents feel. I bet sending me for exchange was a freaking huge step for them and I'm just like "f-yeah freedom!!!". Just because they don't express themselves doesn't mean they don't feel it. I should've known, I've grown up watching them not expressing themselves well.

Freaking epiphany man. I would be the shittiest daughter if something happened to me while I was overseas.

I will take care of myself and get well and you know, try not to get hurt.
XOXOXOXOXOXO love lovelovelvoeloveeeee,
your pretty daughter (who is also hilarious, over-active and an amazing driver)

I will prolly still end up doing stupid things thou (case in point: like slicing of a piece of skin on my finger in between the door knob)

My parents' insensitivity will be the end of me.

I have to ASK permission to spend my own money?
wow yeah of course because to hell with logic right.

I tell them I'd be going to Japan 2 freaking months in advance right when I'm about to book the tickets.
vs
They tell me they'll be going to Taiwan 1 week before they fly off.

Don't even get me started on the bloody guilt-trip flung in my face.

UGH

Just-
don't.

Some one tell them to stop being ridiculous or just be reasonable and compromise.

I miss you more than you will ever know

this is a blogpost to admit that i miss my family. yeah yeah took me long enough.

i still stand by what i said before though, i miss my mum's cooking and yes i miss it the most :( I'd do anything to get a chef to live here with me and start cooking me dishes so that i can stop buying outside food ugh.

on a side note, my forehead is having a freaking breakout and i'm so damn pissed because i can't seem to figure out what's causing it... all this mini pimple thingy on my forehead is so annoying!! what is this? Return of the puberty? I'm not 15 whyyyyyyy Y U DO DIS TU MI.

pls give me clear skin pls God i beg you

maybe it's time to stop thinking that i need to be fixed.
maybe it's time to stop thinking that this is brokenness.
maybe it's just a cut, a deep wound to a part of me that will never be the same again.
maybe it's time to come to terms with this fact, the wound will leave a scar.
maybe it's time to stop being so conflicted and embrace the fact that i don't want the scar to ever heal or fade away. it's not like i can change what has happened; turn back time and stop the knife from plunging in.

i don't know what to make of these 3 years. it seems like it's forever yet again it seems like it was just yesterday. it still hurts. i don't want to forget but every time i try to remember, i'm overwhelmed.

conflicted.

the world moves on but we will never move on.
i move on but you will never move on.

i don't even remember when's the last time i told you this personally but i just wanna say it again.
i love you, i miss you.

Ed sheeran feels are too much

Mae hiraeth arna amdanot ti

It’s an unattainable longing for a place, a person, a figure, even a national history that may never have actually existed. To feel hiraeth is to feel a deep incompleteness and recognize it as familiar.

http://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2012/09/18/dreaming-in-welsh/

:(

this will never go away and i hate it when i feel

I'm doing a mass blogging sesh because I've decided to get away from my phone and away from my book/reading. I LOVE READING. But not all books appeal to me and when I get bored of a book I don't even bother to finish reading it, unless of course I do get some sort of benefit or knowledge that is slowly revealed throughout the book.

I HAVE BEEN IN KOREA FOR 20DAYS NOW. And I haven't even touch/watch a Korean drama/variety show. Maybe I should search for something that catches my eye and immerse myself into this culture.

Speaking of immersing into this culture... I'm proud to say that I have tried conversing with a Korean using full-on Korean!! Although I fared pretty bad and had to slip some English in to help me. Also contrary to popular dreams and expectations of all Asian women out there riding this K-wave, Korean guys are not handsome. (this is i guess a good thing so that i won't be distracted from studying right??) And the pressure to not be single here is REAL. Even a male shop keeper (who refer to himself as oppa) asked the question and was like what?? why?? it's not good to be alone! you will be lonely.
ha..ha.. thanks for pointing that out to me uncle...

I would love to continue on the topic of the Korean male specimen but let me go onto the other half! Girls here are actually really generally pretty :o Like not the pretty pretty but like Korean-looking pretty. Maybe cause cosmetic's really popular so everyone has some sort of basic "upkeep" and "foundation" on their faces. But then there are those whom you obviously know that they've done surgery to their faces. I really think Korean guys are lucky they are getting all the pretty girls.

And the people here are generally nicer but then I've met my fair share of rude people too. It is also true that the male elderly here may have some sort of egoistical "i-am-bigger-that-you" thing going on. from my observations... though only the minority.

Anyway idk what I wanna talk about anymore I'm just blabbering. So until the next time I wanna blabber... just an update: (I need to calm the mother hens and overprotective friends that I have while disappoint the other half of the friends who are excited for some action) There is no Oppa :(.......yet

laters

I realised I hate it when people talk cryptic. But then I do it all the time, especially on my blog. hehe

Well then here's one more.

I'll update again soon. I'm just lazy, as always.


Laters, baby

Reunion.

Well, most people I know have it on the first day of CNY but my family, we have it on the second night. We have a massive steamboat sesh where everyone comes and eat together. You see, this year's a bit special. I saw something that really tugged at my heart. It's a bit sad...very sad actually. But better late than never.

You see I had an Uncle. He was a good guy. I wasn't close to him but the rare times that we interacted I knew he was good. However, he had his past, and he made mistakes - mistakes that resulted in consequences. He past away a few months ago from a heart attack. From what I know he was a fit person who enjoys exercising - a hobby he adopted over the years. That's scary because you may be fit but anything can still happen. You may be young and your life could be taken from you. Apparently he had a daughter that was lost in contact when she was young due to circumstances and he finally found her on fb recently. IKR the wonders of the internet. He planned to contact her and meet her again but it was too late.

I saw them. Daughter and mum came over and had reunion steamboat with us. It's sad because the daughter and father never had a chance. Fate can be cruel like that. But then again they found something - a Family. They found us, all of us.

I had a talk with my Uncle. Uh not the same one, the one I'm closest with, the one who has a gift in having deep conversations with people. It's funny how I'm able to speak these things with my Uncle rather than my Dad. Then again, my dad was not one to listen. He's not a very good listener - listening is not one of his talents. Don't get me wrong - I love my dad and all - but I've come to terms with who he is, his strengths and flaws.

So I realised that many don't understand me. That because I've learnt, I treasure relationships, people, much more than anything else. I would sleep later if a friend needs a listening ear. I would make time and go out, spend time with people when I am having a school sem and studying should be my priority. So I guess I get frustrated when adults insinuate that having good results is a must to get comfortable with life. "You need to get at least an Honours so that you will be provided the chances". I guess today I finally understood their point of view. They care, therefore they want me to be comfortable and be able to live the life that I want.

But if my priority is not looking at my own welfare, you can't blame me for not placing that as a goal...right?

I baked today.

Tomorrow's Valentines. What's new.


God I'm so tired... and I think my cupcakes look unappealing :(


Someone...Anyone... help. me. pack.

“She was lost in her longing to understand.”
—Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

And this is me trying to understand you

This is a non-intellectual post

Today is Thursday. But I keep thinking it's Friday. I need to finish packing. I have done up a packing list. But I have yet to pack half of what's needed. So far, I have managed to pile clothes and stuff ON my luggage. I will end my procrastination after dinner and proceed to push clothes into my luggage, making me feel better. I will then proceed to pack other things on my list. This is a boring post so far. you know I haven't showered for the whole of today and I should go and shower now. But you know what's my nickname? No not qtpie, the other one. Queen of procrastination; but since I am not of royal decent (how unfortunate. or fortunate?), I am merely a Peasant of procrastination. But then again I have peasants under me (If you do follow 1 particular instagram post of mine and was there during that particular incident) so I guess I am a Master of procrastination ^^ I am not doing paragraphs on purpose. It's meant to highlight my whole mumbling to self/rattling on blogpost.. I should go shower but I want to use my phone and read a book while listening to music, therefore I should shower. God I know I'm disgusting hehe but I still smell nice. Oh and I went for a facial today and it was goooood. I like wearing comfortable clothes; this is why I like to stay at home sometimes. Did I mention I continued to bid for my module today? And obviously being the noobass that I am, I was an hour late but thank goodness I still managed to bid something... I don't really like my timetable but I'd have to check with the SMU side before I can change anything again. That was some boring talk I'm sorry. I'm currently reading a book by Max Lucado called You'll Get Through This. The cover looked nice so I'm reading it. This is getting quite boring...oh and yesterday was Ning's birthday.

Happy Birthday my poopypants squishy fatboy of a brother. I hope you stop s**king you idiot. Hm, that looks wrong.


TL;DR: I did facial today. It was nice.

I can't help but to admit although I've shrugged you to the ends of my mind you still surface to my thoughts once in awhile. I know what's done can't be undone and I've long accepted the fate brought about by the events that happened - seemed like ages ago yet seemed like it was just yesterday. I know if circumstances (not just mine) were different, today I would not be like this. When an unknown comes together with an unknown, a thick impenetrable wall of uncertainty blocks out everything. Well, most.

Ah, am I being sentimental here? I don't know. Certain times I am very certain of what I feel, think or am. Yet other times I feel like I don't even know myself - which I've come to a conclusion that it is a result of my over-active, over-thinking mind. (Honestly though I can't be the only one facing this right? This is the very reason why some people can be so contradicting and erratic at times??)

Do you know how powerful our minds are? One can overrule what the heart desires with it. Overtime, the heart in lines with the mind and well, actually vice versa. Sometimes I know I need to be thinking with my brain and not my heart. But when do you draw the line?? Hmmm...

I hate being too logical. I go with the flow. My feelings(not just emotional wise more like gut feeling) lead me most of the time. Sometimes I don't know why I do what I do, I just do it anyway. You know the whole personality test thing?? I'm more Intuitive than anything.

Wait, this blogpost is going nowhere.

Welcome to the wonders and depths of a woman's mind where one thing leads to another :p

Okay, back to the whole Intuitive thing... It's my personality, and I think it's in built in me. Character can be trained but personality...? Highly doubt so. So getting back on this weird roller coaster ride...every atom in me wants to be more Intuitive and Spiritual and Hippy and "I feel therefore I am" but.

Cliffhangers, doesn't everyone love them? (my grammar is bad i was contemplating for quite long on whether it is a"don't" or a "doesn't")

The past few weeks has been hazey but today is a good day.

Today is Monday, a start to a brand new week and I found something that I haven't in those past weeks. Confidence - not that I've been insecure about myself - but confidence in what lies ahead. Time and again God has been tugging at my heart dropping this word in me but I didn't really eat it up, chew on it and digest it well. But now more than ever I know if there's anyone or anything I should ever trust it is obviously God. If something is needed to cast my doubts away it is to be in his presence.

Thankful for the encouragements and people/situations that God has given me to throw that T word in my face.

Also sermon on Saturday reminded me of something - that I don't need to care about what others say but care about what He says. My patience has been tested so much even though it's barely the start of 2015 but one touch is all it takes to calm this storm.

Beauty and beast

If you opened my heart

You'd see i don't have it all together

If you took me apart

You'd see the worst of me wants to get better

But you're changing me, piece by piece

Into who you're really calling me to be

Helped my mum cook today. Let's just say that I will stick to baking thank you very much. Although the veggies that I stir-fried tasted really good (maybe I'm biased), something unexpected happened...

sigh. I should've expected it. Obviously adding me into the equation of something that I'm unfamiliar with would cause... something out of the ordinary.

Basically,

THIS happened.

I thought I was gonna burn down the kitchen...thankfully that did not happen. 

Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love. 

Never forget this. 

ohhhmmmmmm MY ASS

Guys you won't believe this but...

I CLEANED MY ROOM! well some of it.


In other more important news... I am so drained out by all these administrative things that are not going my way. I cannot do these admin stuff my brain isn't made for things like this... When I've finally had the free day to start confirming my courses at Hanyang OF COURSE the system had to NOT let me log in AT ALL. It's not like I didn't get my ID and password but IT DOESNT WORK.


I'm sorry everyone if I've been unusally touchy and annoyed about every little thing but this exchange is starting to unnerve me in ways I never thought possible GAH

Does not help when I've got so little time left to do what seems like quite a lot for me. Time to go into my zen bubble and calm down before my MacBook keyboard keys start popping out with the force of which I'm practically slamming into these puny keys.

Is it better to have loved?

Or to have loved and lost? 

If I had a month left to live what would I do? Well I do have a month left...before I fly off 4669km away. Hopefully nothing happens to me and I fly back safely home. 

I guess in a way my parents get annoyed at me for not doing little things here and there but they just don't seem as important to me. One very apt example is the state of my room :o I don't usually clear up my room really well. There's just always something more important to do. And the way I handle deadlines is different. If something is not due soon, it's "not so important" and vice versa. My mum on the other hand wants me to do this and that because I see it now/we're talking about it now/the issue has surfaced. 

So on this note, if I had a month left...I wonder what I'd be doing different?

One thing I know for sure is I'll force myself to wake up early everyday so that I have more time. (I have serious problems waking up early) Another thing is that I wouldn't hesitate to tell people how much I love them and how much they mean to me - the 100% truth. 

Now surely I will live as much as possible and not want to have regrets?(then again not knowing the full outcome of our actions brings about a certain odd that we will regret) And if every single person would want to live their lives without regrets, knowing life's fragility, I'm damn sure they'd be doing different things...things that may even scare them if it were just a normal day. 

I want to pause, to slow down, absorb and take it all in. I want to balance this me into the normal life me. Then maybe I'd stop feeling conflicted at times. 

Once in a while it's hard.

It's hard not to compare. It's hard not to doubt. It's hard not to be discouraged by words. It's hard not to doubt and be discouraged by my circumstances. It's hard not to focus on my "I can'ts".

I've been trying to supress it and not think too much. But that's not enough.  Last night, I got reminded to lift it up. To surrender, to not think about all these but think about what He says and what He thinks.

Today, I got reminded again.

The future may seem uncertain but it will not bring me down.

D-43

Have been pretty busy lately with brigade, meeting up friends...and of course preparing for my Korea trip!!! Last week was pretty crazy considering that i just came back from my holiday haha... had to switch from lepak mode to up-and-going mode in a few days. Can't believe it's only been a week plus since i came back from Kani?? It seriously feels like ages :o how is that even possible... #bringmeback Singapore keeps on raining. It's pretty awesome if i'm at home but when i'm outside my shoe'll get wet!

So far...
-i haven't found an apartment in Korea
-i haven't done my oath
-so i can't do my passport
-which means i can't do my visa application
-i need to map more courses
-shopping for the stuffs that i need for Korea
-figuring out the stuffs i need for Korea...

and in the midst of it all, meeting up with my friends and saying my goodbyes :>

Still preparing myself. Excited yet nervous. 4 months seem so short yet long. Will i be too home-sick? Will i be too friends-sick? Will i be able to kope with the environment there? Will i make friends? Will i be able to adapt? Will a kpop star fall in love with me? LOL ok jk bye..

sian miss my brother. don't have anyone to ask stupid questions to anymore. well except for google.

sigh.

feeeeling soooo as;ldkfahsdg right now.

i dont know why i try so hard in this family. i feel like i cant anymore... i dont set expectations (verbally) for my parents. of course there's the min. expectation of paying for my school fee/daily meals/etc but i dont tell them like hey you've gotta be a better mum and cook my fav dishes at least 2x a week or hey you've gotta be a better dad and bring home $x or give me $x to spend with every year.

but every single time i dont understand why i wanna do certain things and i ask for their permission(as an act of respect, i will do it anyway) they overreact and then reject and then they list down their expectations

-why cant you study harder and get better grades (well because i cant study well im not smart in that way)

-why dont you listen to me (i do. just because its not this particular time it doesnt mean i dont listen to you at all)

AND the ultimatum that just wants me to give up on trying

-why you can do xxx and listen to xxx from the church but you cannot listen to me

basically comparing things w the church.

srsly.

SRSLY.

i dont ever EVER bring any of you down when we're in an argument but they always do that to me. it's like me trying for this fam, helping yall to get stuff, fetching ppl from here to there, giving advice about the younger bro, celebrating your birthdays year after year. idk just trying something...is all for nothing.

i've even stopped comparing myself w how yall treat ning (cause i guess im older i should be more responsible)

let me just say right now i can't. 

I miss ClubMed Kani.

forever having holiday withdrawals. i swear the sea water is so healthy for meeeee.

anyway i had an amazing time :) can't wait for korea in feb!!! might start blogging off the other blog about my korea stuffs... meanwhile back to private blogging 8-)