feeeeling soooo as;ldkfahsdg right now.

i dont know why i try so hard in this family. i feel like i cant anymore... i dont set expectations (verbally) for my parents. of course there's the min. expectation of paying for my school fee/daily meals/etc but i dont tell them like hey you've gotta be a better mum and cook my fav dishes at least 2x a week or hey you've gotta be a better dad and bring home $x or give me $x to spend with every year.

but every single time i dont understand why i wanna do certain things and i ask for their permission(as an act of respect, i will do it anyway) they overreact and then reject and then they list down their expectations

-why cant you study harder and get better grades (well because i cant study well im not smart in that way)

-why dont you listen to me (i do. just because its not this particular time it doesnt mean i dont listen to you at all)

AND the ultimatum that just wants me to give up on trying

-why you can do xxx and listen to xxx from the church but you cannot listen to me

basically comparing things w the church.

srsly.

SRSLY.

i dont ever EVER bring any of you down when we're in an argument but they always do that to me. it's like me trying for this fam, helping yall to get stuff, fetching ppl from here to there, giving advice about the younger bro, celebrating your birthdays year after year. idk just trying something...is all for nothing.

i've even stopped comparing myself w how yall treat ning (cause i guess im older i should be more responsible)

let me just say right now i can't.